Gamingalliance joke topic

I decided to crate a joke topic for people to post their jokes and chill/laugh with other people's jokes. So here go mine:

A burglar broke into a house, and after he got in to make his "free shopping spree", he heard a voice saying silently "Jesus is watching you." He ignores it and carries on wiping the house, and hears the same voice, but a bit higher and closer to him "Jesus is watching you". At the time he was in the kitchen, ready to escape through the back door, when he hears the same coice, closer and higher: "Jesus is watching you." He turned on the light and it was a parrot. He asked:
- Was it you who was saying "Jesus is watching you"?
- Yes.
- Such a stupid thing. Who was the idiot that bought you?
- The same idiot that gave the name of Jesus to the rottweiller.
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A British doctor makes a statement:
- In GB, we have such an advanced meduicine that we can take a brain off a dead person, put it into an alive person and that person will be looking for a job in 6 weeks.
A German doctor makes another statement, trying to outspeak the British doctor:
- We, here in zie Deutschland, have such an advanced medicine that we can do the same thing to a person and that person will be in the war within 4 weeks.
A USA reviewer makes his statement as well, looking to out speak both doctors:
- We here in Texas, USA, have found a brainless man, put him in the White House, and now half of USA is looking for a job and the other half is getting prepared for the war...
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Two neighbours meet:
- Hey there mate. What was that party yesterday?
- It was a marriage party.
- Nice. How are them?
- The groom is in the cemetery and the bride is in the hospital.
-OH my god, what happened?
- Nothing, the groom got a new job as a gravedigger and the bride found a job as a nurse.

one day a man wakes up and looks in the mirror, he says:

"every time i look at myself in the mirror i get a hard on!"

so his wife, in response, turns round and says:

"it's because you look like a c**t"

So lame!
See if you get this...

Barman turns round to one of his customers and say's:
"Whenever I see a woman I like the look of, I tell her.... I've got a 9 inch tounge and I can breathe through my ears."

A great classic from QI.

Admin wrote:
9 inch tounge and I can breathe through my ears."

I got the 9 inch tongue thingie
but not the rest of the line.

Hmm, it's a dirty joke .

Admin wrote: and I can breathe through my ears."

Try and work it out .
I'm not saying the answer

(From maybe the year 2000...)

Ron Dennis was concerned about the bad performance of his cars. He couldn't understand it because he had the biggest team in Europe, best parts, best mechanics etc. but nearly in every GP Ferrari beated his cars.

Ron rang to Ross Brawn, explaining his problem. Ross understanded Ron's situation and invited Ron to watch one of Ferrari's tests. So, Ron traveled to Mugello spending his whole day watching the two Ferrari drivers. At the end of the test he said to Brawn: "I still don't understand. We do exactly the same things in test as you do, but still you beat us nearly every time."

"Umm..." said Brawn, "I think it has nothing to do with tests. I think my drivers are more intelligent than yours."
"What the devil do you mean with that?!" said Ron. "I'll show you. Michael, come here", said Brawn. Schumacher came. Brawn said to him: "I've got a problem for you. He's son of your father but not your brother. Who is he?" "Easy, it's me", responded Michael. "Correct!" said Brawn.

Ron was very convinced! He flew back to Silverstone and held a test. He called David Coulthard and explained to him: "Brawn claimed that our drivers are more stupid than their drivers." "He's speaking bull*h**!" shouted Couthard. "Well, I'll test you. He's your father's son but not your brother. Who is he?" said Ron. Coulthard thought for a long time and asked then: "I don't know yet... Could I tell you tomorrow in the test and think the problem overnight?"

Ron approved. Coulthard went to home thinking the problem, but didn't find the answer. He even asked his wife who had no clue about it though. He decides to call Mika Häkkinen. "I have a problem..." repeating the same problem Ron gave him earlier. "Easy. It's me!" replied Mika. Coulthard thanked him and finished the phonecall.

So, next day in the tests Coulthard said to Ron: "I've got an answer to your question." "Great", said Ron. "Well, go on."

"It's Mika Häkkinen!", replied Coulthard happily. "NO, you idiot", shouted Ron angrily. "It's Michael Schumacher!!"


Sorry for possible mistakes, I translated this from Finnish

Haha, very good.
But please blank out the 'bulls**t

OK:D

Loetkoe wrote:(From maybe the year 2000...)

Ron Dennis was concerned about the bad performance of his cars. He couldn't understand it because he had the biggest team in Europe, best parts, best mechanics etc. but nearly in every GP Ferrari beated his cars.

Ron rang to Ross Brawn, explaining his problem. Ross understanded Ron's situation and invited Ron to watch one of Ferrari's tests. So, Ron traveled to Mugello spending his whole day watching the two Ferrari drivers. At the end of the test he said to Brawn: "I still don't understand. We do exactly the same things in test as you do, but still you beat us nearly every time."

"Umm..." said Brawn, "I think it has nothing to do with tests. I think my drivers are more intelligent than yours."
"What the devil do you mean with that?!" said Ron. "I'll show you. Michael, come here", said Brawn. Schumacher came. Brawn said to him: "I've got a problem for you. He's son of your father but not your brother. Who is he?" "Easy, it's me", responded Michael. "Correct!" said Brawn.

Ron was very convinced! He flew back to Silverstone and held a test. He called David Coulthard and explained to him: "Brawn claimed that our drivers are more stupid than their drivers." "He's speaking bull*h**!" shouted Couthard. "Well, I'll test you. He's your father's son but not your brother. Who is he?" said Ron. Coulthard thought for a long time and asked then: "I don't know yet... Could I tell you tomorrow in the test and think the problem overnight?"

Ron approved. Coulthard went to home thinking the problem, but didn't find the answer. He even asked his wife who had no clue about it though. He decides to call Mika Häkkinen. "I have a problem..." repeating the same problem Ron gave him earlier. "Easy. It's me!" replied Mika. Coulthard thanked him and finished the phonecall.

So, next day in the tests Coulthard said to Ron: "I've got an answer to your question." "Great", said Ron. "Well, go on."

"It's Mika Häkkinen!", replied Coulthard happily. "NO, you idiot", shouted Ron angrily. "It's Michael Schumacher!!"


Sorry for possible mistakes, I translated this from Finnish

HAHAHAHAHA Very good! I love it

a lame one...

knock knock,
who's there?
boo,
boo who?
oh no need to cry now!

i know i lose

It was so weird it made me laugh

god t's so old and s##t i had to put it up

I think it goes:

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Boo!
Boo Who?
¬¬ you p***y.

hahahaha thats lol + 1



Post 100


plus 1 ban warning on swearing sorry dude it's the rules

well, fair enough...

post 101 I win.

lol rules are rules

¬¬

Loetkoe wrote:So, next day in the tests Coulthard said to Ron: "I've got an answer to your question." "Great", said Ron. "Well, go on."

"It's Mika Häkkinen!", replied Coulthard happily. "NO, you idiot", shouted Ron angrily. "It's Michael Schumacher!!"


Sorry for possible mistakes, I translated this from Finnish

oh my god, so funny!
EDIT: So I won't double-post, I will write a joke here from the Racesims joke topic, as I will be thinking of more jokes to come...

So there's this blonde girl driving a car in a neighborhood, and then she sees a guy crossing the road, and she (by her crying-out-loud-holy-s#!t-poor driving skills) had no chance to brake in time, the guy backed off though, but still got ran over. He was lucky to be uninjured after just getting his legs ran over by a blonde in an old Mini Cooper. Says the blonde:
-Watch it!
Says the guy, lying down:
-Why, are you gonna make reverse, b*?
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ok then,now it's time for answered riddles....

How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue weapon!

How do you kill a red elephant?
You choke him until he becomes blue and you kill him with the blue weapon.

How do you kill a green elephant?
You tell him a bad joke, then he turns red, you choke him until he becomes blue and then you kill him with the blue weapon.

How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Yellow elephants don't exist!
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Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken took the day off.

How do you put four elephants in a Mini?
Open the door, recline the front seats, put the first two elephants in, then put the front seats back, put the other two elephants and close the door.

The lion, king of the jungle, made an all-animal meeting, but only the elephants didn't show up. Why?
They were stuck in the Mini!

How do you put a giraffe in a Mini?
You can't, the elephants are stuck in it!

What's harder than putting an elephant in the back seat of a car?
Putting two elephants in the back seat of a car.

What does the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing, peanuts don't talk...

Similar one, sort of popular here in Finland...

-How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
-Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

-How do you put a giraffe into a fridge?
-Open the door, move the elephant to make some room for the giraffe, put the giraffe in and close the door again.

-The lion, king of the jungle, made an all-animal meeting, but two animals didn't show up. Which?
-The giraffe and the elephant because they were in the fridge.

-You need to go over a river which you could swim over if there wouldn't live an alligator family. There's no bridge or anything else to go over with. What will you do?
-Just swim over, the alligators are in the animal meeting

time for a joke you either love or hate.

-Knock! Knock!
-Who's there?
-Terminal Cancer!

Two tourists were driving through Wales.
As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
"Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Lol, I quite liked that one. .
_________________________
From MTW: I once did a test at college. I smoked cannabis in snow, in sleet and in the sun, but I did not inhale

9 AM

- Hamilton gets up. Near his bed Ron Dennis kiss him good morning and gives him a advertising campaign contract. He has just to run alongside a Yorkshire Terrier to promote a new dog food.
- Kovalainen gets up. He is alone in a bungalow in the middle of a british forest.
- Alonso gets up. Insults a photo of Hamilton, smiles at a Piquet’s one and hits the shower.
- Massa wakes up. He goes to the bathroom but Badoer is already there. Massa his quite tense co’s he has to pee.
- Vettel still sleeps like a baby. It’s not time for school yet.
- Raikkonen wakes. He wants to sleep more. He sleeps more. Wakes for 3 minutes. Them he sleeps for 30. And wakes for 3 more. And sleeps…
- Coulthard gets up with the help of a wheel chair. As he crashes that wheel chair against the night stand he decides to walk.
- Webber is already at breakfast.
- Fisichella and Barrichello couldn’t sleep.
-Heifield is in vacations at Berlin. As he reaches a bar to breakfast he meets Sakon Yamamoto. Bar tender wants an autograph of Yamamoto and asks who that beard guy alongside him is.


10 AM
- Massa NEEDS TO PEE and everyone goes to the bathroom before him!
- Robert Kubica gets the “I look so like Prost award” from a French magazine.
- Alonso gets to breakfast. He’s undecided about which table to chose. He starts eating from one but looks to another all the time.
- Webber is already testing. There are no cars at Red Bull factory. They give him a Citroen NemoVan hdi.
- Raikkonen wakes and in a few minutes he’s gone to breakfast after having passed Massa to get the bathroom first. Even so Kimi fails to eat that cake he likes so much. “tomorrow I’ll wake up earlier.”
- Hamilton races a dog before breakfast. He’s hungry. The dog.
- Renault mechanic searches for the 0,6 tenths in Alonso’s luggage.
- Ross Brawn receives a package.
- Kovalainen needs to get to wooking to work. But he has to go on foot.
- Ferrari guys take breakfast but the tea tastes funny.
- Massa is relaxed and drinks coffee.


11 AM
- The dog wins the race with Hamilton. The animal gets a reward: He eats his new food. Hamilton crashes into him and brakes his tail.
- Massa hits the shower. The Brazilian can’t stand still under the shower. He falls in the bathtub.
- Coulthard Barrichello and Fisichella reach breakfast.
- Ron Dennis sees Nelson Piquet Junior and ignores him.
- Raikkonen pushes an old man that was near his vital space.
- Damn! It was David Coultard. The scotch pushes him back. Adrian Sutil asks if he can do it too.
- Massa tries to get out of the bath. But that bathtub is so slippery.
- Kovalainen is lost.



2 PM-
- An old lady beats Heidfield with an umbrella co’s she thinks he’s a thief
- Nelson Piquet wonders if Ron Dennis as anything against him.
- Kovalainen gets help from a farmer, a mechanic, a pair of squirrels and the wind to get to work.
- Hamilton has a sponsor campaign: All he has to do is to his to paint a Van Gogh with his eyes closed while flying.
- Raikkonen sleeps.
- Ross Brawn his having trouble in opening up that mail package.
- Jenson Button is sad. No one talks about him anymore.
- Coulthard, Barrichello and Fisichella get to lunch
- Webber is dinning.
- Alonso insults Hamilton while taking a nap.


6 PM


- Kovalainen arrives at work. But no one is there anymore.
- Ferrari calls Jacques Villeneuve.
- Raikkonen is still sleeping
- Bourdais calls America.
- Villeneuve asks Ferrari if they finally want his services.
- Ferrari want Villeneuve’s services. They want him to taste they’re tea.
- Nelson Piquet Junior talks Piquet Senior about Ron Dennis ignoring him. The father tells him about all the pranks he made to Dennis even before he was born.
- Webber puts the Citroen in the 2 nd row of a Formula 3 race.
- Hamilton new campaign means he has to walk naked in Barcelona. Banco Santander guarantees that it is a winning campaign.



8 PM

- Kovalainen goes back to his bungalow.
- Vettel goes to bed
- Raikkonen wants sex with his wife. “ok, but it’s just a quickie kimi.” Kimi underperforms. He’s not used to the condom’s rubber.
- Jenni picks her beautiful red dress and goes out with her friends.
- Ross Brawn still couldn’t manage to open the package.
- Heidfield and Button get depressed together.
- Hamilton does an ad while dinning

11 PM
- Raikkonen stays at home not caring and completely wasted
- Piquet wonders how it would be to be son of Prost.
- Kubica thinks he’s son of Prost
- Massa meets Jenni and her friends in a bar and seduces her. She lets herself go but says: “ok, but it’s just a quickie, Felipe. I have to go home.” Felipe excels and she is very impressed with him. She says to her friends her marriage with Kimi is not so well.
-. Kovalainen smiles as he thinks everyone likes him at the job.
- Coulthard, Fisichella and Rubens reach dinner.
- Alonso stalks Jenni for a while too


2 AM
- Hamilton sleeps
- Kovalainen sleeps
- Vettel sleeps and looks like an angel
- Coultard Fisichella and Rubens play cards
- Jenni gets home and decides to give Kimi another opportunity. With time to spend, the Finn takes the chance and makes love to her 7 times in a row, she fells in love again.
- Ross Brawn finally opens the package. Inside are the 0,6 tenths that Renault was looking for.